[nurseby07]

I've posted on the ptsd thread and lurked around these other threads for quite some time. They all scare the beejesus out of me.
I was married to a very respected man in our community for 10 years. Everyone thought he was the nicest, most put together person. We had two children together. Behind the scenes he was controlling in every way. I had no access to money. He didn't like my family or my friends, any of them. I was encouraged to distance myself from everyone if I didn't want any angry repurcussions at home. I was allowed to be a runner and he found great pride in all of the marathons I ran. Everyone thought we were perfect.
Then I started back at school to become a nurse. Doors opened, self esteemed blossomed. I got attention from am instructor and we had an affair. It was awful and I am totally ashamed of myself. I told my husband. He broke my nose and broke a chair on my back. My friends and family said I deserved it. One night, a few weeks later, he took a butcher knife and stabbed me 15 times. My children were watching. They called 911 and waited for the swat team. I crawled to the neighbors as he ran after me with am axe. (I am not making this up) This all in suburbia.
He goes to jail. Kids and I go to counceling. No one, no one can believe this has happened. We divorce. I spend my days at school to become an RN and count down to 5 o'clock when I could poor wine or beer down my throat to quelch the anxiety that is going to kill me.
I tell my therapist about my anxiety/drinking. I take up smoking. I get through school, graduate and work on the unit that saved my life.
Years go by and the ptsd subsides, but rears it's evil head now and then. Like this past week when my ex-sister in law comes to town and stays with my parents so she can visit her brother in jail. My mom and dad support her, even though that family thinks I am a wretched whore who caused him to do what he did. At one point my educated upper middle class mother said "You caused this" to me. We have a very strained relationship. My dad says I need to move on. I am trying.
I cannot deal with the stress, the anxiety. I work and do a good job, most days are fine. I'm running again but still smoking and turn to alcohol way too often. I tell myself that at least I'm not getting drunk, or drinking in the morning. But nothing puts that black fire of anxiety out like a stiff vodka cocktail followed by some wine....I am so scared to quit because I know that when I do I will have to deal with all of this on a whole new level and I can't.
Last night my mom called and begged me to see ex-sister in law. She said it would be so good because she had given the boys each $250 and she deserved it. My mom said that she didn't want to be in the middle of it. I drank to much, took a xanax, called mom back and finally let her have it. I woke up this morning feeling like crap. Not vindicated, just disgusted in myself. I know I need help.

[Tweety]

So you survive nearly being murdered by your husband. He's out of the picture but you're still giving him power and you're going to ruin your life at your own hands.

You are so worth so much more than that. You are much stronger than you think you are and yes you can handle this. But as you know it's bigger than you, but you have to stop now. You've been through enough, stop punishing yourself. Don't give your husband the satisfaction of knowing he really did kill you.

During withdrawal I had some serious anxiety and issues and broke down. But I survived and I'm a stronger better person for it.

Your past life was tough. Those are the cards you were dealt. It's going to get tougher, but what's the choice? Ruining your life and consequently your children's? Why?

Bite the bullet today and get help. I promise that you will get through it and you'll look back on these tough times as a period of necessary pain to experience tremendous growth.

[danissa]

Stop blaming yourself for the nightmare that was your past honey. The person you were married to had issues where he had to control you, it's no wonder that you grasped real attention from the other man, who no doubt treated you like a real person, rather than an adult child. It was NOT YOUR FAULT!
Your family and friends were wrong not to stand right by your side, after being assaulted in such a serious way..he could have killed you....they are just plain lacking in their loyalty to you, and to your children. You owe his sister nothing, you owe your own Mother nothing, if they could not be there for you when you so needed them.
But here you are....despite all the horrors of your past..you have achieved so much, and fought hard! Don't let that monster drag you back to where you have no control over your life! You are a strong woman, jees, to get through what you have, without full backing from your family, you must be one of the strongest women I have ever seen.

Drink is a temporary hiding place, numbing pain, but will not make you stronger. YOUR strength shines from within babe, find someone to talk to whos impartial, talk to anyone here, PM me if you wish anytime..just let out all your AAAARRRRGGGGGGGHH's to anyone who will listen!

I admire your guts babe, you are one brave woman, don't let badness take over and ruin the life you and your children can have!
Mega Cuddles to you, you take care....people are here if and when you need us!!XCXC

[sheilagh]

First let me say you are an amazing person and much stronger then you think,you are aware of the issues you need to deal with you are just scared,who wouldn't be???? The beauty of counseling and support groups is that it's somewhere to let it all out instead of drowning it with your addiction of choice. Some things that may help that we chant almost like a mantra in recovery is WE ARE POWERLESS over our addiction but also powerless over the actions and choices of OTHERS....let it go! start the healing for you and your children,get individual counseling and family counseling. You are no longer your ex-husband's physical victim,why let his actions and your family's opinion dictate your happiness and control your emotional well being?
Maybe when your in-laws see you getting healthier they may be willing to come to counseling with you,and maybe your parents will see the wonderful person that you are....but that's their problem not yours!

Good luck,let us know how it's going
warm wishes and hugs

[nurseby07]

Originally Posted by Tweety

So you survive nearly being murdered by your husband. He's out of the picture but you're still giving him power and you're going to ruin your life at your own hands.

You are so worth so much more than that. You are much stronger than you think you are and yes you can handle this. But as you know it's bigger than you, but you have to stop now. You've been through enough, stop punishing yourself. Don't give your husband the satisfaction of knowing he really did kill you.

During withdrawal I had some serious anxiety and issues and broke down. But I survived and I'm a stronger better person for it.

Your past life was tough. Those are the cards you were dealt. It's going to get tougher, but what's the choice? Ruining your life and consequently your children's? Why?

Bite the bullet today and get help. I promise that you will get through it and you'll look back on these tough times as a period of necessary pain to experience tremendous growth.

Hey thanks for the repies. All of you make such good sense. I never thought about the fact that I am still allowing him to control me. I've looked up AA meetings in my area. What do I do? Just show up? I guess that's how it's done. Thanks. I will let you know how this next phase of my life goes.

[Silverdragon102]

Good luck

[michigooseBSN]

Absolutely, just show up! You are very welcome at an AA meeting even if you are not sure you are an alcoholic. All you need to belong to AA "is a desire to stop drinking". So go for it. You'll not believe how wonderful you life can be once you get help. It's important for you to know that "you don't have to do it alone" !!

[blueheaven]

Just show up, get phone numbers so that you have support when the urge hits to "just have one" Try different meetings, meetings vary in tone and personalities until you find one that fitsl I can tell you that if you go to enough meetings, someone somewhere is going to tell your story and this was tremendous for me as it really drove home to me that I wasn't alone and the only one who struggled. One of the hardest things for me in my journey was to admit that I needed help and to pick up the phone when I was going bonkers. My husband calls it the "500 pound phone". Know that all of us pray and wish you the best in your journey!!!!!!!!!!!

[earle58]

Originally Posted by nurseby07

I never thought about the fact that I am still allowing him to control me.

ever since my son's gf broke up with him (6+ mos ago), he has been on a downward spiral.
a lot of acting out, doing poorly in school and experimenting w/pot and drinking.
nothing i have said or done, has penetrated him...
until, when i told him that "mary" really did have a lot of control over him, since his life has been nearly destroyed since the breakup.
well...he got really ticked off when i said that.
it never dawned on him that he was giving her all that power.
since then, he is pulling his grades up and making much more responsible decisions.
he got so enraged at the thought of 'mary' having such power.

so yeah, don't give anyone that type of control.
only you can have it so take it back and show yourself what you're made of.
you have many people pulling for you.

with peace,

leslie

[Ginger45]

I know it is hard. I have been there, not as bad as you but I have been abused by an ex. I finally stopped, after over 20 years giving him that power over me. I can't believe your parents. As a mother I would be so mad I could spit nails but you did not bring this on yourself. Noone deserves that sort of treatment. I agree with everyone else. Stop beating yourself up and get some help. We all need it sometimes. Big hugs and feel free to PM me. I am here for you. You can do it! Ginger