[CrunchRN]

Thrashej,

Just do what you have to do. School, future career and all that stuff will be there when you can deal with it. If you want to stay with your dad and that is what makes you feel you are doing the right thing then just do it.

I think your dad is one lucky man to have you, and despite his issues he must have done something right because you are a person I really respect.

I wish you all the best.

[thrashej]

Thank you all for your kind and encouraging words.

Now that I have more free time I can work on my dysfunctionalism. (serious)

And gee, my therapist thinks I am pretty freakin' normal compared to the rest of my family!! Yes, I am the one heading in the right direction...

I am making jokes, but I do appreciate the "other side of the coin" posts. No offense here. I was a little confused with what they had to do with my original post (tell me something I don't already know) but.... I see your point, I have been told that before. gotta love all that "tough love"... I will give you this, it is very hard to "get normal" when you are the only one in your family trying. They are really good at making you feel guilty for doing what is "healthy". I gotta watch myself all the time. There is a fine line between showing them I care and supporting them and not being sucked down into their way of life. They can, at times, make me believe that I am much less of a person than they are when in reality, I am just getting closer and closer to normal! It is hard to look at yourself, look at the truth, isn't it? Some people never will. I have to remind myself all the time when I start getting the "guilt trip" that it is not deserved and coming from unhealthy people.

Like I said, I just know that I need to be with my Dad right now to feel comfortable with MYSELF. It has nothing to do with what my sister or brother or Dad wants me to do. I looked at the situation and said to myself, "What do I want to do, what will make me feel good and have the least regrets?" That was being at my father's side and with my siblings. I want to help my sister because she is dealing with this practically alone, aside for the hospice nurse. She is having a hard time, like me...like my brother, I am sure. I care for her, I love her, I don't want to see her struggling and hurting, either. We will deal with my brother AFTER my Dad passes, assuming he doesn't kill himself by then with drugs. That is when I will let him fall and he will lose everything. Hopefully, my other family members, whom always bail him out, will see that this time. Right now, we are just trying to tolerate him! I am always the one making the stand NOT to help him but someone else always does. They don't come to me for help cuz they know they will get "attitude". LOL. They make me look heartless and uncaring even though what I am doing is healthy and normal because if they did not make me feel heartless and uncaring they would have no power............no guilt . They manipulate with guilt, without that they are nothing......RIGHT?? (see, I did learn a few things from Mr. Bradshaw!)

Alright, turing this into a PBS special. I am done now, stepping off of soapbox. Thank you guys who have helped me. While I am sad to leave my class and start anew, there are many things I have to sort out and resolve before I continue, including the death of my father and my mental health. Peace to you all!

[CrunchRN]

You sound more peaceful so i am thinking you made the right decision for you. Now let me tell you about my family..........just kidding, I wouldn't do that to you!

[thrashej]

LOL, CrunchRn........I am sure yours is much the same! I know I am NOT the exception. Although I DO think it would be entertaining to watch the dynamics in action!

[req_read]

Thrashej,

Yes, looking at one’s self is difficult… perhaps the most difficult task in life. It is the only path to personal growth, but it is truly frightening. However, we eventually discover that the only thing more frightening than looking at our Self is- not looking at our Self.

Those who come from dysfunctional backgrounds (everyone to one degree or another) do not know how to act “healthy.” How could they? So in order to leave the dysfunctional behavior patterns behind one must “act as it” one is healthy… with the hope that someday the “act” will become so familiar that it is done without thinking.

I am glad you have chosen to let go of the “pity party.” Pity may feel good (sort of warm & fuzzy) in the short run, but in the long run it does nothing… except keep you stuck.

Bravo for you! But the road ahead is bumpy. Hang on to your trusted counselors. Your family knows how to push all your buttons (they installed them.)

[gr8rnpjt]

Originally Posted by req_read

Death does not end life. Dying process prepares us for continued life, not for the cessation of life.

Well, maybe. But it will be a lot harder for her to get a hold of her Dad after the dying process.....

[req_read]

Yes dear...

While we are here (earth) it seems like this is all the is... the whole enchilada... when it fact it is but a fleeing moment in time.

thrashej has chosen to be with her dad. Her choice... not because someone pushed her buttons and made her do it... no regrets. That is living her own life. The question was never whether she should stay or go, but rather, that whatever she did it be her choice.

[100%hospicenurse]

I think there have been lots of helpful replies. It's a real challenge caring for people with a history of alcohol abuse. One suggestion I have is to substitute Serax(Oxazepam) for the Xanax. That seems to work better with people who have a history of Alcohol abuse. Also, what about getting the hospice Social Worker and/or Chaplain involved to talk about his anxiety? Maybe they could get him talking and think of some non-pharmacological strategies that would help. I do find that most dying people rely on their previous coping strategies, and if he has medicated himself for anxiety throughout his life, he may be reluctant to give that up. I wouldn't want to spend my last weeks/months of his life fighting with him over it. Just try to keep him safe and comfortable and make the most of the time you have.
Of course, we all have families like yours. LOTs of them. Almost every family is dysfunctional to some degree. That's what I like about this job--it makes my family seem not that bad. Your dad is lucky to have you kids who care so much about him and are working so hard to help him. Nothing is perfect--but keep trying.

[suebird3]

Thrashej, I am glad to know that things are much better now. To keep the thread in a positive light, I am going to lock it.

My best wishes to you and yours.

Suebird