[req_read]

As John Bradshaw says; All American families are dysfunctional, it is only a question of degree. (I recommend his books or better yet, his first 10 hour serious for PBS.)

Don't feel so all alone. Earth was not set aside for the 'perfect' people.

[SuesquatchRN]

If you have a family, it's dysfunctional.

It sounds, though, that as dysfunctional as your family is, you're all loving and close, and pulling together in this stressful and sad time.

[thrashej]

Thank you.

My Dad may be coming to live with me now. He won't be real specific with his reasons, maybe he just does not trust my brother. I have an extra room, but it is chock full of everything BUT a bed and dresser so I will have to go out and get that stuff and clean house like crazy. Everything has been neglected for so long. I don't know how I am going to do this and school. I can cut my hours in the ER, but we are going thru a whole computer conversion May 1st that I am required to work. My sister will now come to my house and help out instead of going to brothers. The cancer is at a point now where you can see it protruding from his body. He has what looks like a tennis ball poking out of his back. The nurse said she saw the PET scan when they released him for hospice (one month ago) and he "had cancer everywhere". Oh, ok, news to us. Yesterday was a good day tho. Dad's vital signs are still really good...his BP is better than mine!!! When the nurse askes if he has any more questions he always says, "Yeah, how long?" and they are like, "Well, we don't know but you are definitly not going to die today!!!" and laugh. He says he is dying this week, but he said that last week. Hard to believe it isn't coming very soon tho considering his appetite and the growths....
Oh well, every day is a blessing. I just wish I could get out of school for even a few months! I feel so trapped in this program!! They just act like their is no easy way to take a break, it is horrible. The program that you just can't get out of w/o losing everything!!

[gr8rnpjt]

With your brother's hx of drug abuse, I am sure that Dad figured out he may not be in a safe place. He may have had some meds turn up missing. He is much better off with you. Sounds like it won't be for long. Love your Dad and respect his wishes as far as his meds and how he is taking them. He is living on borrowed time now, and it sounds like the pain he is feeling even he cannot discern what pain is physical and what pain is emotional. Just love him, love him as much as possible and give him a good death. He deserves it, right? I lost my Dad 3 years ago and I was not able to come see him as often as I would have liked to. Good luck to you.

[SuesquatchRN]

Hugs to you all. And keep us posted.

[webblarsk]

Is the SW involved any? Someone for him to talk to and help through this process? Someone for the family to talk to? Especially if you feel like you can't talk to the nurse! Is he Spiritual? Should the Chaplain be involved? The nurse should be addressing those issues as well as the pain!

[thrashej]

Ok, now Dad may not come live with me!! (this is how my family is)

I am at a crossroads here and hurting like hell. Hospice nurse (she is a really nice lady and DOES talk with us, btw) told my sister yesterday (while I was writing a careplan) that "you know he doesn't have much time left, right?". What does that mean? Then my Dad told everyone he thinks he is going to die in one week and my sister said yesterday he was acting like he was saying "goodbye" to his mother and sisters when they went out for a bit. He is now losing control of his bowels when he is awake. It happened yesterday while the nurse was visiting!!! He was so so so embarassed. My poor father! He doesn't know how to deal with any of this! And he won't let any of us care for him intimately yet he refuses an aid!!!

I am considering now just begging my Nursing School Director to let me take an "incomplete" in clincals. I remember her saying I could do "make up" clinicals if she gave me an "I" and I would not lose everything. That way, I could go back and finish (to get LPN) and then exit for now. I don't know how I am going to deal with all this. I had to go get put on Lamictal yesterday as the depression I have had for so freaking long doesn't want to go anywhere. We have tried all the AD's, so Lamictal is last resort with the family hx of manic depression...I want out. Actually, I don't want to leave my bedroom. I am afraid it will get worse before it gets better. AND I DO NOT WANT MY DAD TO DIE WITHOUT ME THERE!!! My brother and sister have no job right now, or school, so I am the one who is always "busy" and I hate that right now. I don't want to look back and regret what I did right now. I have been trying to go over there about three times a week or more, but even with that, I feel guilty. I want to be there all the time! It is a very dysfunctional place to say the least and mentally being over there is draining, but I want my Dad to know he is the MOST IMPORTANT thing to me!!! My husband reminds me how my Dad wants me to be a nurse, blah, blah, but I want to be with him right now!!

His mind is beginning to really go. Not just he forgets what he did with his water, but he thinks people are with us that are not or he calls me by a different name, etc. Guess that is likely the brain tumors. They brang down his meds but he is still incontinent with diarrhea stool and his gait is very poor now. He fell yesteday and had to have my brother help him get up.... Honestly, I feel like I am losing it but I need to stay strong. I can't fall apart. I wasn't doing well BEFORE all this! To a positive end though, I checked out a depression support group this week that I plan to attend next week and I am going to attend a grief support group at my work in a few weeks. I know I am going to need help...

PLEASE HELP ME DECIDE. I HAVE TO DO IT TODAY. I am going to go talk to her, once again, see what my options are. If they tell me I can't get out I am going to cry....

Can any of you make any predictions about the length of his life? What are the "signs" that death is imminent, and how soon can you tell to the extent that you feel comfortable telling the family??

Thank you

[req_read]

You say your father is "MOST IMPORTANT..." Actually, that is incorrect. You are.

Your father will die and he will die the way he lived.... there is nothing you can do to fix that. The only thing on this planet you have any hope of fixing is you. Everything else is secondary. Your father will die in a huge mess whether you are there or not.

You openly admit the degree of dysfunctionalism in your family, that means you have it too. One of the most important lessons to learn "in recovery" is this: Anyone can give you the disease, but only you can fix it.

Apparently you are the designated "caregiver" in your family system. You are trained to think it is your responsibility to fix everyone else in your family (which is why you are in nursing school by the way... most nurses were the designated caregiver in their family system.. the archetypical nurse is married to an unemployed biker; i.e. someone who needs to be taken care of.)

Anyway, you feel like you have to take care of your father because you were trained to think that. It is not so, but you were trained to think it, so you do. The only way to get out of it is to untrain your thinking pattern. A good way to begin that process would be to go to school and let your family do what they do; i.e. make a mess of things (which will happen anyway whether you are there or not.)

Dying process teaches us how to live… or very often, how NOT to live. In a way, your father is doing you a favor… he is demonstrating how not to live your life. So I would suggest you take it to heart and stop living your life that way; i.e. for someone else.

You say you do not want to look back someday with regrets. Okay… the path you are on now will lead to your looking back and regretting wasting your life trying to fix someone else (who it is impossible for you to fix) while neglecting the only thing you bear responsibility for- YOU.

[Angie O'Plasty, RN]

Originally Posted by req_read

You say your father is "MOST IMPORTANT..." Actually, that is incorrect. You are.

Your father will die and he will die the way he lived.... there is nothing you can do to fix that. The only thing on this planet you have any hope of fixing is you. Everything else is secondary. Your father will die in a huge mess whether you are there or not.

You openly admit the degree of dysfunctionalism in your family, that means you have it too. One of the most important lessons to learn "in recovery" is this: Anyone can give you the disease, but only you can fix it.

Apparently you are the designated "caregiver" in your family system. You are trained to think it is your responsibility to fix everyone else in your family (which is why you are in nursing school by the way... most nurses were the designated caregiver in their family system.. the archetypical nurse is married to an unemployed biker; i.e. someone who needs to be taken care of.)

Anyway, you feel like you have to take care of your father because you were trained to think that. It is not so, but you were trained to think it, so you do. The only way to get out of it is to untrain your thinking pattern. A good way to begin that process would be to go to school and let your family do what they do; i.e. make a mess of things (which will happen anyway whether you are there or not.)

Dying process teaches us how to live… or very often, how NOT to live. In a way, your father is doing you a favor… he is demonstrating how not to live your life. So I would suggest you take it to heart and stop living your life that way; i.e. for someone else.

You say you do not want to look back someday with regrets. Okay… the path you are on now will lead to your looking back and regretting wasting your life trying to fix someone else (who it is impossible for you to fix) while neglecting the only thing you bear responsibility for- YOU.

That'd be a good thought, except for one thing--the person she needs to be with right now is dying. He's not trying to pull her into his dysfunction and chaos.

He's dying.

No more chances. No going back. No Incomplete with a chance to make up later.

Althought I feel very strongly that only YOU should make this decision, not us, I vote for you to see your dad now while you can and go back to nursing school in a few days, weeks, months, when he's gone.

[gr8rnpjt]

thrashej,

I agree with Angie O'Plasty. You will regret it if you don't try to see him as much as you are able to. I was very "busy" as well, with my job, my hour commute each way to work, my 4 kids my husband, 3 years ago when my father was dying. My mom would gently remind me that he was not going to be there forever, but it meant a 2 hour drive for me on weekends and my weekends were always very busy. So I put it off, I did call him once in a while, but his mental confusion I think pushed me away more. He was no longer the strong father figure I grew up with. So for the last 3 months of his life which he spent at home in hospice and actively dying, I stayed away.
Then I got the e mail from my mom saying he would be gone within a few hours. I tried to get up there, but I was about 16 hours too late.
I will always regret not going up to say goodbye. If you can afford it financially, you would probably feel better taking some time off and getting more involved in his daily care. Just my 2 cents.