[Dragonnurse1]

I went straight to ER after grad. In fact I never wanted to work anywhere else. I have cried may times with family. It is a natural reaction if you have empathy for your patients. I cried once when I went to family room to talk to family of suicide only to find my Dad's secretary in the room. The girl was her neice and I had to tell Helen that she was dead.

The worse were the children 1 SIDS and 1 12yo Indian boy that had been born with a bad heart. He had his first heart surgery at 24 hrs old. He had been to a childrens hospital north of us by 100 miles. A blaylock shunt was inserted and he was sent home. I never did understand why he was not held for several days but they made the drive home only to have their child suddenly collapse. Worst case I ever worked. The chest Xray was miss labeled r to l and we inserted chesttube on wrong side - I caught problem and we swapped sides. The blood was so clotted and we were pouring fluids in like mad but pressure kept falling. We cracked chest in er and the blood around his heart was scooped out like so much jello - we tried massage, we tried ped. internal paddles. Nothing. Then family accused us of not trying because they were Hindu.
He was a beautiful child - dark hair dark skin. I have a child with the ability to change colors during summer. With the same thick dark hair and his dark summer skin I saw my child lying on that bed. The thoraic surgeon came in and closed his chest and we got the nursing supervisor to set up a place (other than in the reg morge room) where one of the elder males needed to stay with the body. I cried all the way home and refused to let any of the kids go to school. I held on to them all day.

How long does it stay with you? I just came out of my remaining sons room and he had been crying. I asked why and he had thought about a friend in his 10th grade class that committed suicide. I tried to explain that with time the bad fades and is replaced with good thoughts but in relaying the above story I still cry and it has been 10 years.

I cannot speak for other floors or units but in the ER it is usually the children - once they are 18 and have done something stupid they loose childhood status.
You will learn to hold the tears and when to let them flow. Trust your heart in that time you will know when.

Patty

PS While I worried about my patients I found out after I had to quite work (latex) I terrified the residents - they were afraid to look dumb.

[NewNurse16]

I have been a nurse for 10 months and although my crying has decreased I still do it. It is just who I am!!!! I have never cried in front of a family or a patient, but I have cried in the med room or the bathroom at work, but most of the time it is at the end of the day when i get into my car and go home after feeling completely overwhelmed. I just cry and move on and show up to work the next day no matter how difficult it is!!!!

[Morettia2]

I cried my first night off orientation 7 months ago and I am almost 10 months into my first year I cry every now and a again.

My first night off orientation, which I had went from 8 weeks of day shift orientation to 4 weeks of night shift orientation, b/c I took the night shift postition when I get the job at the hosp.

That first night off orientation I was a mess, I got my report, I was susposed to only have 4 pt's right off orientation, they gave me 6 pt's. 3 of the 6 pt's came back to back to back from the cath lab during shift change at 7pm, and had drips out the wazoo, one had a bleed and one had a sheath. ALL had STAT labs, and orders.

Here is me in the Pyxis room BALLING, like a 5 y.o. I wasn't sure what MD to call, and my night preceptor wasn't the best at telling me what MD I needed to call at night b/c she just did it for me, and it's COMPLEATLY different at night calling the MD's than day shift calling the MD's b/c during the day the MD's are either at the hosp. or AWAKE . So OK I am the RN off orientation who do I call, The House MD, ok dosen;t cover that pt's MD, do I call the tele resident, or the cardiac fellow, RRRR..

My charge was breathing down my back asking me 10000 qestions, that I was scrambling to find the ans to. The call bells were going crazy, it seemed like every phone call was for me, and I was in complete dissarray, every pt.I swear was having v-tach including myself.

The unit clerk kept over head paging me every 10 seconds (I wanted to SCREAM), for things that the 3 CNA's on the floor could do, "Angie the pt. in room *** needs Ice", ok I run to get the pt. Ice, "Angie the pt. in room *** needs a blanket" I run to get a blanket, "Angie I need you to come to the nurses station" I run to the nurses station, the UC says to me, "I am going on break you have to put the 3 pt's charts that came from the cath lab together and enter their orders, and I want it done by the time I get back from my break, or I won't do it before I leave at 11pm" I had never put a pt's chart together before let alone 3 of them, the med's needed to be wrtten on the MEDEX and the pt's all had 10 pm Meds due, the orderes were incomplete, so the MD's needed to be called but it was rounding 10pm and I had no idea that after a certain time some MD's just don't return pages or phone calls. The pt's came at 7pm, why was the pt's chart not completed?

OH and giving report that morning to the Day shift my frist night off orientation was like sitting in the Electric Chair and being slowly fried. I was bombarded with 100000 questions, that I took forever for me to answer. I think I began crying during report.,Like WHYY DO I SUCK AT THIS??

HENCE the reason my first night off of orientation I was hysterical in the MED room, the bathroom, the car ride home, before I went to bed.

It has been a long road from that night and I know I only cry now when I am OVER TIRED, there is WAY too much chaos going on at once and I can;t get an answer from anyone, which is more frustration then anything. I have also learned to stop the unit clerk from paging me for things that the CNA's can do, and if I am doing a procedure, drawing labs, recieving the pt from the cah lab, not to bother me at that moment b/c I am with a pt. unless there is a problem with one of my pt's, or a RRT or a CODE on the floor.

Giving report In the morning I used to cry after b/c some of the day shift RN's were incredibly MEAN to me, why didn't you do this last night, why didn;t you call this MD last night? I would say I did 3 times and the MD didn;t call back, the house MD covers the MD at night along with 100 other MD's the House MD covers and gave me this order.. And the day RN's would keep me there for an extra 2 hours. I used to get so upset and cry on the way home like I was a bad RN.

BUT I have learned to deal with these RN's while giving report in the Morning, and most of the time they get the same pt. they had the day before, so when they ask me 100000 questions, I say you had the pt. yesterday, you know these answers, there was no change overnight. I am updating you, and where ever peaks your coursity that I didn't have time to go over in the chart with a fine tooh comb, you can find b/c the chart is right here and you had the pt. yesterday, so if you had these questions yesterday they are right here in front of you in the chart, that you could have looked though yesterday.

I am not going to jynx myself, b/c I just cried a couple of weeks ago b/c one of the nurses gave me a bunch of BS about a pt. I had taken care of 3 nights before that had a stroke the previos day and acted like it was my falt the pt. stroked out 2 days after I had taken care of the pt.. And my Chrage said to me I need to talk to you about said pt. I caught my self, and said to both RN's, I have been off for the last 2 days. the pt. was stable when I gave report 3 days ago. Why are you comming down on me for something that happened 2 days after I had taken care of the pt. and i wasn't even working the last few nights. They both said OH, I thought you worked the night before the pt. had a stroke. I said NO, I had been off for a few days. But the tears were still rolling down my face.

[chriscolin]

I had an 8 week orientation on a small tele unit which I love. Well I've been off orientation for 3 shifts and last night I barely held it together! The 2 nurses that came on the next shift just laughed and tried to make me feel better! Every nurse it seems has cried or made a mistake they thought was awful! Hopefully there won't be too many more crying nights!

[trippinwitchu]

I am reading everyone's stories and it is just amazing how much stuff nurses have to go through. Does it have to be this difficult or troubling? I know I feel a lot better knowing I am not alone in feeling this way. I have been a nurse for just a year now. My 1st job was an absolute nightmare. I was being bounced around from preceptor to preceptor, taken advantage of, getting pulled off orientation too early, etc. I would go home with migraines
and I think I was even experiencing heart palpitations. It was horrible. However, I left that hospital and was able to get a job at hospital closer to home and in a very supportive unit. So far, so good. To everyone coming out of school and just starting out, hang in there, find someone you can talk to, and don't settle. Sometimes you may have to find another position elsewhere. You don't want to get to the point that you dread going into work. Life is too short for that. Thanks to everyone who posted here, it helped me out.

[SoundofMusic]

Seems to be a lot of us admit we do cry, and then there are those who DON'T admit that they cry, and seem to pretend like everything is always rosey.

So, either they are inhuman, or they just aren't honest, IMO.

If nurses could admit to each other how hard this is, give comfort to a co-worker, it would make it a bit easier.

[candyrain78]

Cried for the first time tonight. I am day 2 off orientation & had such a hard night with a patient, that I wanted to just sit there & sob. After a few tears rolled out I sucked it up & finished my night...crying all the way home in the car! I am not sure if I signed up for all of this...

[Dragonnurse1]

CandyRain78, hang in there, things will get better. All of us have had certain patients that have made us cry, some that have made us angry and some we just wanted to strangle. Try to find someone to talk to or just vent here but it will get better.

[P_RN]

It's when you realize that you CAN'T cry that you are in trouble......I started in oncology but after about 10 months of going home in tears every day.....I couldn't cry one day. Never be ashamed of tears.

[nursefancy]

Originally Posted by Morettia2

I cried my first night off orientation 7 months ago and I am almost 10 months into my first year I cry every now and a again.

My first night off orientation, which I had went from 8 weeks of day shift orientation to 4 weeks of night shift orientation, b/c I took the night shift postition when I get the job at the hosp.

That first night off orientation I was a mess, I got my report, I was susposed to only have 4 pt's right off orientation, they gave me 6 pt's. 3 of the 6 pt's came back to back to back from the cath lab during shift change at 7pm, and had drips out the wazoo, one had a bleed and one had a sheath. ALL had STAT labs, and orders.

Here is me in the Pyxis room BALLING, like a 5 y.o. I wasn't sure what MD to call, and my night preceptor wasn't the best at telling me what MD I needed to call at night b/c she just did it for me, and it's COMPLEATLY different at night calling the MD's than day shift calling the MD's b/c during the day the MD's are either at the hosp. or AWAKE . So OK I am the RN off orientation who do I call, The House MD, ok dosen;t cover that pt's MD, do I call the tele resident, or the cardiac fellow, RRRR..

My charge was breathing down my back asking me 10000 qestions, that I was scrambling to find the ans to. The call bells were going crazy, it seemed like every phone call was for me, and I was in complete dissarray, every pt.I swear was having v-tach including myself.

The unit clerk kept over head paging me every 10 seconds (I wanted to SCREAM), for things that the 3 CNA's on the floor could do, "Angie the pt. in room *** needs Ice", ok I run to get the pt. Ice, "Angie the pt. in room *** needs a blanket" I run to get a blanket, "Angie I need you to come to the nurses station" I run to the nurses station, the UC says to me, "I am going on break you have to put the 3 pt's charts that came from the cath lab together and enter their orders, and I want it done by the time I get back from my break, or I won't do it before I leave at 11pm" I had never put a pt's chart together before let alone 3 of them, the med's needed to be wrtten on the MEDEX and the pt's all had 10 pm Meds due, the orderes were incomplete, so the MD's needed to be called but it was rounding 10pm and I had no idea that after a certain time some MD's just don't return pages or phone calls. The pt's came at 7pm, why was the pt's chart not completed?

OH and giving report that morning to the Day shift my frist night off orientation was like sitting in the Electric Chair and being slowly fried. I was bombarded with 100000 questions, that I took forever for me to answer. I think I began crying during report.,Like WHYY DO I SUCK AT THIS??

HENCE the reason my first night off of orientation I was hysterical in the MED room, the bathroom, the car ride home, before I went to bed.

It has been a long road from that night and I know I only cry now when I am OVER TIRED, there is WAY too much chaos going on at once and I can;t get an answer from anyone, which is more frustration then anything. I have also learned to stop the unit clerk from paging me for things that the CNA's can do, and if I am doing a procedure, drawing labs, recieving the pt from the cah lab, not to bother me at that moment b/c I am with a pt. unless there is a problem with one of my pt's, or a RRT or a CODE on the floor.

Giving report In the morning I used to cry after b/c some of the day shift RN's were incredibly MEAN to me, why didn't you do this last night, why didn;t you call this MD last night? I would say I did 3 times and the MD didn;t call back, the house MD covers the MD at night along with 100 other MD's the House MD covers and gave me this order.. And the day RN's would keep me there for an extra 2 hours. I used to get so upset and cry on the way home like I was a bad RN.

BUT I have learned to deal with these RN's while giving report in the Morning, and most of the time they get the same pt. they had the day before, so when they ask me 100000 questions, I say you had the pt. yesterday, you know these answers, there was no change overnight. I am updating you, and where ever peaks your coursity that I didn't have time to go over in the chart with a fine tooh comb, you can find b/c the chart is right here and you had the pt. yesterday, so if you had these questions yesterday they are right here in front of you in the chart, that you could have looked though yesterday.

I am not going to jynx myself, b/c I just cried a couple of weeks ago b/c one of the nurses gave me a bunch of BS about a pt. I had taken care of 3 nights before that had a stroke the previos day and acted like it was my falt the pt. stroked out 2 days after I had taken care of the pt.. And my Chrage said to me I need to talk to you about said pt. I caught my self, and said to both RN's, I have been off for the last 2 days. the pt. was stable when I gave report 3 days ago. Why are you comming down on me for something that happened 2 days after I had taken care of the pt. and i wasn't even working the last few nights. They both said OH, I thought you worked the night before the pt. had a stroke. I said NO, I had been off for a few days. But the tears were still rolling down my face.

Reading this reminds me why I left the hospital setting. I chickend out and could not do it anymore. I commend you for sticking with it.