[sp1nter]

Who cares unless it affects your ability to do your job then whats wrong with shoing empathy and caring

[pitix99]

some think that it is a weakness or not masculine for men to cry. i totally disagree with this premise, being human, we are capable of emotion. it is just culture or our upbringing which dictates or has inculcated into our minds that men (specially the grown ups) should not cry.

being sentient or capable of feeling is what separates us humans from animals. still, some argue that even animals have feelings too.

so if man is not capable of showing grief, despair, sadness ... shall we call him not "human"?

[nursemike]

Originally Posted by pitix99

some think that it is a weakness or not masculine for men to cry. i totally disagree with this premise, being human, we are capable of emotion. it is just culture or our upbringing which dictates or has inculcated into our minds that men (specially the grown ups) should not cry.

being sentient or capable of feeling is what separates us humans from animals. still, some argue that even animals have feelings too.

so if man is not capable of showing grief, despair, sadness ... shall we call him not "human"?

I don't see anything unmanly about crying, BUT: how we handle our feelings is a personal matter. A lot of us grew up in the tradition that boys don't cry. That's a pity. Women, too, have been taught to repress emotions that were deemed inappropriate. Many women have as much difficulty asserting "negative" emotions like anger or frustration as some men have expressing love or sorrow. In a perfect world, we wouldn't have hang ups, and we'd handle our feelings in mature, healthy ways.

Just because a man is unable to show certain feelings doesn't remotely mean he doesn't have them. Being repressed, or even just stoic, is not the same as being a sociopath. In the real world, real humans don't always react according to some textbook.

Then, too, there isn't necessarily a correct way to feel about every situation. On some level, I find it sad when any patient expires, but I've seen families who were mostly relieved that the ordeal was over, and it doesn't mean they didn't care. I've helped the morgue attendant load a body on his cart when I didn't know anything about the patient, and while I've felt a measure of respect, I haven't felt it as a personal loss. To say I'm less than human for not crying is no less unfair than to say I'm less than a man if I do.

[Feathers]

Originally Posted by Roy Fokker

The last time "being a nurse" made me cry?

Thank You's - Most Memorable Ones You've Received



The most poignant image of a man crying that has affected me?



cheers,

Yes, agreed, that is one amazing photo... I teared up just now myself. Loved reading your 'thank you' post as well. Rock on! Cheers!

[HeatherB-SST]

I recently heard about a medical professional who saw his first (hopefully last) fetal demise just a few months after the birth of his first child. He witnessed the father recieving the news, and cried right along with him. This extremely strong man has chosen to keep this experience from his wife until she is ready to hear it, a gallant move in my opinion. I remember all those hormones surging post-baby and how much the story would have scared me, had that been my husband.

I think men should have the same freedom as women to express their grief in whatever way works for them - crying, withdrawing, whatever without fear of being viewed as weak.

[pawashrn]

Your picture of a soldier holding another soldier who is crying, is emotional, but hell I'd cry from day 1 if I were in vietnam during the 60's. You can be tender and supportive, but when a person or family is fallen apart because of illness/tragedy. A nurse most keep the emotions in ans become the staff that supports the weak, not fall with them. Because, if you look at your picture of the soldier crying, the soldier supoorting him is not.

[pkohm]

Originally Posted by PICURN74

I had a 5 month old boy that died a long painful death because he father slammed his head against the wall and I spent many nights in a rocking chair holding him so that he knew what it felt like to feel safe and cared for at least once before he left this earth. Several weeks later when he finally did pass away I cried both tears or sorrow and tears of joy that his suffering was over. If that makes me less of a man than so be it

yeah if that wouldn't make someone shed a tear then i don't know what to say about them.

[David's Harp]

Originally Posted by pawashrn

Your picture of a soldier holding another soldier who is crying, is emotional, but hell I'd cry from day 1 if I were in vietnam during the 60's. You can be tender and supportive, but when a person or family is fallen apart because of illness/tragedy. A nurse most keep the emotions in ans become the staff that supports the weak, not fall with them. Because, if you look at your picture of the soldier crying, the soldier supoorting him is not.

That's an interesting point, but the show of emotions does not equate to "falling" due to them, any more than crying at the end of a tear-jerking movie sends someone into a debilitating bout of depression.

On the other hand, crying doesn't necessarily mean that you're automatically being therapeutically *present* with a patient. It may be a knee-jerk reaction, or it may in some other way come from a more self-centered place than is beneficial at that moment (say, if an expired patient reminds you of a lost loved one, and all your thoughts at that moment are about your relative rather than the needs of the patient's family, for example).

A better self-centered example comes courtesy of...(drum roll)...me. A couple times lately I've found myself with "something caught in my eye" while on the floor, but it was due to frustration about this new job, how impossible it seems in spite of everyone's positive feedback that I'll be able to pull it off w/o a preceptor, etc. Selfish stuff, in other words, and I pull myself together as quickly as possible so I can get back to the patients, the paperwork, and being as supportive as a newbie can be of the rest of the staff.

In all cases it's a display, its appropriateness dependent on context, and IMO character judgements made from it aren't necessarily well-founded in either direction. Not that you were making a character judgement, but the overall thread here seems to be about others doing so.

-Kevin

[nursemike]

Originally Posted by David's Harp

That's an interesting point, but the show of emotions does not equate to "falling" due to them, any more than crying at the end of a tear-jerking movie sends someone into a debilitating bout of depression.

On the other hand, crying doesn't necessarily mean that you're automatically being therapeutically *present* with a patient. It may be a knee-jerk reaction, or it may in some other way come from a more self-centered place than is beneficial at that moment (say, if an expired patient reminds you of a lost loved one, and all your thoughts at that moment are about your relative rather than the needs of the patient's family, for example).

A better self-centered example comes courtesy of...(drum roll)...me. A couple times lately I've found myself with "something caught in my eye" while on the floor, but it was due to frustration about this new job, how impossible it seems in spite of everyone's positive feedback that I'll be able to pull it off w/o a preceptor, etc. Selfish stuff, in other words, and I pull myself together as quickly as possible so I can get back to the patients, the paperwork, and being as supportive as a newbie can be of the rest of the staff.

In all cases it's a display, its appropriateness dependent on context, and IMO character judgements made from it aren't necessarily well-founded in either direction. Not that you were making a character judgement, but the overall thread here seems to be about others doing so.

-Kevin

Earlier, I referred to crying over "trivia" as seeming "immature," and I'll stand by that, in the sense that the more mature one is, the easier it seems to be to maintain some control over emotional displays. Life experience and nursing experience both help teach us what's a crisis and what's merely frustrating. Still, frustration is a pretty powerful emotion.

The initial question of this thread, whether it's unmanly to cry, is unfortunate that it even has to be asked (not criticizing the OP--it has led to an interesting discussion, and has given me a lot to think about).
If one defines a man as an adult, male, human (as I do) then the ability to hold one's emotions in check and attend to the needs of one's pts is certainly an admirable example of adulthood, but not particularly relevent to being male. The occassional inability to do so is a frailty of being human, but it's so universal that I think it is general forgiveable.

Last night, a patient who'd been doing pretty well all weekend abruptly went into A-fib in the 150's. I did not gasp "oh (feces)" when I looked at her monitor, but I thought it. Saying it in front of her daughter would have been a. unprofessional and b. unduly alarming. But I have no doubt the daughter saw my alarm, and as much as I asssured her that it was a most likely fixable problem, I have no doubt she was concerned--as I was. I'm sure she also saw my relief when the pt finally converted back to SR, and if she heard my "thank God," that's probably okay, too.

I think it's important to try hard to be therapeutic and put the needs of others first. It's a big part of what we signed up for. But we aren't robots, our feelings are a big part of what make us good at this, and if they sometimes get the upper hand for a moment, so what? Better to save our tears, our sick jokes, and our expletives for the med room (or wherever) but they're gonna happen, and not always where or when we prefer. No patient is going to be asking Robonurse for a hug at the end of the shift.

[RN4Nascar]

I think emotions can be a beautiful healthy thing. Its society's stereotype of "real men dont cry" I think thats a load of poo jmo. Nothing wrong with a man crying.
Roy, that was a beautiful Thank You story..I had tears in my eyes. Reminds me of a pediatric pt I had in clinicals in school. Omg around the same age too..my fav pt of all time. Kids are amazing arent they?