[Stanley-RN2B]

All this is going to do is teach children that if they don't like what their parents do they can sue em. I mean talk about government. I wish I got grounded as a kid. It was more like getting spanked over and over. I should have sued.

[CseMgr1]

My son once threatened to leave and move in with his Dad, when I wouldn't let him have his way. I calmly walked over to the phone, picked up the receiver and began dialing my ex-'s number.

"What are you doing, Mom?", he wanted to know, frightened.

"I'm calling your father to come and get you", I replied.

He became hysterical and begged me to hang up the phone.

Needless to say, he never threatened me again.

[HM2Viking]

Originally Posted by earle58

i'm not understanding this statement...

leslie

I was trying to illustrate that there was a lot of dispute between the parents and inconsistency of parental expectations. This allowed the girl to play one side against the other. Sorry for the confusing post.

[HM2Viking]

Originally Posted by BlueRidgeHomeRN

Viking--

You are applying principles of adult learners and behavioral change to an irrational, hormonally driven adolescent. Teenagers can be 33 years old one minute and 3 years old the next. They lack the biological abilty to consistantly use appropriate judgement and have an internal locus of control. That is why they have parents.

I am more concerned about her internet use, as well as the judical system being where it does NOT belong. If the courts should stay out of the bedrooms of consenting adults, they also need to stay out of the living rooms of parents who are not abusing or endangering their own children.

My wife is a licensed parent and family educator so I have picked up quite a bit over the years through osmosis as well as through my years of working with developmentally disabled offenders. I actually was calling on the parents to be parents in this case. I never have said or inferred that I did not agree with a consequence for the misbehavior. I questioned the choice of consequnce.

Increasing structure as a teaching component is absolutely ok. The courts are involved in this case because the child had a GAL from the divorce.

Someone asked what I thought would be an appropriate consequence. I alluded to a possible form but I will spell it out. I think that the parents need to get their acts together and develop/implement consistent expectations.

If she was my child.

1. Call my ex and solicit feedback. Develop a mutually agreeable consequence.

2. Look at ways to increase structure that increase the likelihood of positive behaviors. (I wouldn't have attempted to ground her from a school trip because that is a prime way of increasing prosocial behavior through structure.)

3. I would have consequated her by restricting her from going over to the friends houses for a given period of time. She was after all misusing the computer both there and in her own home. (I would also look at suspending internet service in the home for awhile.)

4. I would have looked for ways to increase the structure in her life. That may just mean that I might have to put a little effort into taking her to scouts or whatever as a means of being moe involved in her life. The goal is to coach her and help her crowd the negative behaviors out of her life that are causing her troubles and replace them with positives.

These are never easy situations to navigate.

[Stanley-RN2B]

I told my father if he spanked me I would call CPS. He put away the belt calmly told me that they would arrest him for murder and not 'abuse' and I promptly shut up and took my spanking. Lol

Of course that only works if you can make the child believe it. ROFL

Needless to say, I never disobeyed my father and even when he was in Korea a phone call would put me in my place.

Children were being raised fine until society and Uncle Sam got involved.

[CHATSDALE]

i disagree that not going on a school outing would harm this childs spocial development to the point that the rest of her life would have been ruined
i believe that it may have been a good for her to suffer the consequences she may have learned something...what she did learn was that she could maniulate the situation and this probably will drive a permanent wedge between her and her father
sad family

[santhony44]

If there' s already a third party appointed to look after the child's interests in this case, then I think it's likely that the parents aren't doing too well at cooperating on discipline, or anything else. Working together for the good of their daughter would be ideal but may not happen. This dad may have been doing the best that he could. He may, for example, have already removed the internet from his own home. If the daughter was posting inappropriate pictures of herself on the internet, he has reason to be concerned.

It's a shame the judge didn't address this.

[HM2Viking]

I read the 2 articles about this case. One identified a conflict with the step mother that led to the grounding. The other identified chatting on websites. I think that it was one of those situations where the 3 parents were in conflict about expectations. The girl pushed the envelope and it escalated into a conflict/power struggle. (I think her father had some anger towards the biological mother and this came out sideways in his decision processes regarding his daughter.) Funky family dynamics more than likely played a big part in this series of incidents.

I really think that mediation and parent education would have been a better way for the judge to go. My reading of the articles was that the GAL apparently attempted to negotiate with the father but this process may very well have omitted the step and biological mothers in the process. Mediation might have helped the 3 parents communicate and come to a common agreement about the consequence. (It did sound like the bio mom was not in agreement with preventing her childs attendance on the school trip.) Dad probably got his hackles up which may have made him choose a more severe consequence

This child needs to have her parents presenting a consistent united front in their parenting strategies. Mediation might have helped them get control of her by increasing her sense of her parents being on the same page. Tailored consequences may have emerged.

For example:

We talked it over and we are going to allow you to go with your classmates. You did violate our rules about computer use. This is the consequence we have chosen together.

You may not visit janey or other friends in their homes for 2 weeks. They may visit you in our home as long as we are home. You can play cards etc with them but we will not allow you to have computer time with them.

There will be no unsupervised computer use by you or your friends for one month.

You will not be able to use the internet for 1 month except under our direct supervision and for school projects.

Clear consistent but it also identifies appropriate behaviors that will help her learn to control her own behavior. She really needs a united front with clear expectations. Consequences have to be time linited with a clear means of regaining privileges for them to be effective.

[santhony44]

I wouldn't be a bit surprised if this judge didn't end up seeing this young lady again a few years down the road. She might be the next one to sue when her ex-boyfriend posts her nude pictures on the internet. That is, if she's lucky and doesn't become a missing person.

That's one area where I think the judge totally missed the mark. Young girls who post inappropriate pictures of themselves on the internet can be heading into very dangerous territory indeed. For the judge to worry about her "social development" and ignore that she might be setting herself up for anything from public humiliation to sexual predation - well, it makes me wonder what world the judge lives in.

[Fun2Care]

My daughter had a boyfriend meet her at her dads for dinner, after we told her she couldn't see him anymore.


We grounded her from going to a birthday/Halloween party. I still feel bad, but it was something I had to do.


It was not punishment out of spite because her bio-idiot let him go over there!