I graduated in May, took the NCLEX June 20th and have been working on a telemetry unit since June 25th. I had a pretty good 8 week orientation and my preceptors said I was doing well and my ANM has not had any complaints. Every day I go to work sort of feeling like, "OK, I can do this." and then around 0600 I start to feel like maybe I can't. Most days after I report off I just feel empty. I can't describe it. Does anyone else feel this way? Can anyone describe it?
I'm not really passionate about nursing. It's a job. I'm 31 and I was a teacher and I HATED that and was miserable. So I decided to change carreers. I chose nursing becase it's nice to help people. But I also chose it because is is nice to be guaranteed a job pretty much no matter what and it pays pretty well. I'm commited to this job and don't feel that I do a bad job. I've made a few mistakes that have inconvenienced people or been a little embarrasing for me, but I've never harmed a patient. I don't really know what the point of this post is, I guess I just wanted to get my feelings out there and see if anyone had the same thoughts. Thanks if you read this far
Oct 23, '07
Quote from LauraMT
Thanks for the replies. I'm guess I'm just trying to figure out my life. The problem is I really should have been a 50s housewife. Stay home and make cookies for the Wally and the Beaver. I don't have any big ambitions or goals. I have a 2 year old who I love more than anything and a husband who takes a close second.
It's perfectly okay to not have big ambitions or goals. Is anyone telling you it's not okay? Yourself? Your parents (via your memory or in real life)? Your husband? Your friends?
Do you HAVE to work? Is it a financial necessity for you to work full-time? Do you or your husband feel you "owe" him for supporting you these past years? Have you felt pressured to pursue a career? It's hard to feel excited about someone else's goals. For me, I'd be a ball of tightly repressed resentment... but that's me... I've had my own struggles so this is just my angle.
I do have a history of depression. I recently started a new medication so I am hoping in a week or so I will be feeling better. One good question my doctor asked me is am I depressed because I am tired or an I tired because I'm depressed
Good for you for taking action. Whether or not antidepressants help, keep on trying different things as once you find a way through this darkness, it will be worth the struggle.
I talked to my husband about changing my schedule and cutting back a few hours. The vein in his head got really big and he argued that if I cut back to any less than my 32 that I would basically be paying for daycare and student loans. It would not be quite that dire, but I see his point. Since I already flaked out on one career in my adult life and he's pretty much supported my butt for 12 years so I need to pull my own weight and get some stuff paid off. I am going to speak to my ANM tonight.
"flaked out" "supported my butt" "pull my own weight" ... these are some pretty negative descriptions you have about yourself... who is the one who judges what is "flaking out" versus "making a courageous career change" or "supporting your butt" versus "sharing responsibilities and resources" etc? Seeing a counselor or attending a support group might help you find ways to value yourself regardless of your professional successes or failures (redirections? adventures?).
Every time I make a little mistake or mis-step I just feel terrible and I can't leave it at work and I am not a perfect person so I'm not going to do everything perfect every night. I'm going to ask if there is anything I need to do to improve my performance. I've been trying a few new organization sheets and they're just not really working out. I think I need more of a mentor, but so many of the nurses on the floor either started at the same time as me or after me and it's a ton of new grads. Well, thank you for listening to me. Like I said I can't really talk to it about my husband who is so scared that I will bale on this career too.
Making mistakes is a major stress point in nursing, especially for newbies. A supportive work environment can really help here. Seek out anyone who can be a cheerleader for you, who gives you good feedback without making you feel bad. If you can't find any in your workplace, it may well be that it's simply not a good fit for you on that unit. New nurses need support - they can't just keep to themselves, keep their head down, and hope no one notices them, as may work in some types of jobs to just get by (teaching is another job where this tactic doesn't work). Your husband may not understand this... but it's more important that YOU understand it.
Would you want your child to be so miserable as you are? Give yourself a break for not being perfect or following a hoped for trajectory. You are just as important and deserving of acceptance and support in triumph and struggle as your child. Take care of yourself as you would your child. You need to take care of yourself in order to take care of your child. Best wishes to you. I hope the sun comes out soon for you!
Last edit by jjjoy on Oct 23, '07
Oct 23, '07
We could be twins! My life story is exactly the same minus the child (we're thinkin' about that now, lol). I was even trying drugs until pregnancy entered the picture as a possibility but for us.... I think yeah, we should look at all we HAVE accomplished and stop feeling "less than" just because we can't seem to make a career work. I am trying this career again for the 2nd time as a new grad but this time I am going in looking at it as a J-O-B and I am finding my real fulfillment in other things. It will be a pleasant surprise if nursing ends up giving me warm fuzzies but I am not counting on it. But...if I can push through the first year..that alone will offer me security to really pursue the things that DO make me happy. That is how I am looking at it now.
So for me I am making a list of everything working as an RN is going to do for me that is POSITIVE and trying to push out the negative. Maybe you can really try to get your fulfillment elsewhere. I don't think a career has to be your "calling". I don't feel guilty working as an RN even if it isn't my calling because honestly I don't know what my calling is. Maybe this is you too. Maybe we are still waiting for our calling. Maybe your calling is being a Mom. Having more $$ and financial security just helps you be a better Mom. I guess look at it that way. And once you get secure enough you'll be able to really delve into what makes you sing and/or GO PART TIME!:spin:
But yeah, I feel just like you
. Congrats for making it through orientation and the first few months. You do have what it takes!! Pat yourself on the back for that, big time! I hope the meds work out for you!
Last edit by Curious1alwys on Oct 23, '07