i cant do this anymore i totally regret becoming a rn!

Erin,

It gets better. I could have written your post 3 years ago. I was working night shift at a level 3 NICU right out of school and I wanted to quit every day. I wished that I would get in a car wreck so that I wouldn't have to go into work. It was terrible. There was a lot of pettiness and my body couldn't do nights. I went to day shift after 6 months and I felt much better. I believe that I was clinically depressed when I was on nights. I was in the middle of it so I couldn't see it, once I went to days and looked back, I realized how different I was.

I wrote an article a couple of years ago about my first year of nursing, it's called full circle, my first year of nursing. Look in the article section under contest winners, sometime in 2008. People have told me that it should be required reading for all new grads.

I think you have a combination of a sleep/wake cycle that isn't working for you, a stressful job, a busy team, and you are in the beginning of your novice to expert continuum. I was miserable too, so I'm not telling you this lightly...but I vote that you stick it out if at all possible. I am almost to the point where I can't remember what I felt like that first year. I am still at the same job and I am completely comfortable. You are welcome to pm me if you would like to talk.

I don't feel like I regret being an RN, but I certainly don't want to ever reach that level. Im responding because of how you describe your feelings and what you are going through. Im a new grad, started off in CCU still in my original place of employment going on a little over a year now.

I can't say that waiting a year helped so far but the stress, I feel, is coming from the heavy demands of nursing. No two days are a like and no two people are in the same mood always. The culture of one's environment weighs about 70-80% of how you feel. You can have 1 night of pure chaos, but it's the people who you work with both days and nights that get you through. Personal conflicts, tension, demanding mgmt, etc can really throw your "A" game off.

Im noticing a pattern with me over that last year; factors including bully nurses, bully management, lack of professionalism, poor role models, stressed out senior nurses, short staff, no charge nurse, overcoming the learning curve, meeting everyone's expectation (including your own), lack of feedback, no support system, having family life stress, depression, guilt, lack of confidence, proving yourself, poor sleep/ diet, union's vs. mgmt, etc...-- There are sooooooooo many moments when I've felt like Yes! Im getting there then being stomped on by senior staff or managment. It's such an evil roller coaster of ups and downs. Right now, Im experiencing a down by a combination of those factors above and some.

Now Im using EAP services to get through this... Im learning that there are more things that just nursing that I need to learn and that is the world of professional working politics. That takes a whole new level of maturity and a whole new way of learning how to control your sensitivity level. Another word new to me is "Coping"...maybe we are not coping with our stressors very effectively. There's another level of learning that I thought I was good at and that is communication. I don't know where this will get me or where you are at right now, but...don't loose sight of why you became a nurse.

You have control of YOU. Everyone's time will come, but also keep in mind only you know your limits and when you've reached them.

I know I will have to find somewhere else to go, but I don't think that will change what the demands of nursing are or the type of patient's I will care for. Just gotta find the right fit. I don't plan on being where I am at any more than 6 months longer. But I now have the stress of thinking where Im going to go, taking what I've learned and becoming the new person again somewhere else, different mgmt demands and expectations...but all in all, Im hopeful and will keep searching for that right fit.

I love my patients and we have the privilege of caring for them like no one else can. RE-connect with your family, yourself, and your passion for what you do. Let me know what you decide to do. It would be nice to follow up.