Am I not meant for the ER

If the worst problem you are having is crying then you should be fine!!! At many hospitals they have a support system set up for staff when someone passes or they have had to work on a trauma case. I went through some of it by the bedside when one of my patients passed... I did not know the patient or the family for very long but I felt close to them during the event and so did some of the others who worked with me. In any case, I cannot see anything wrong with being human so long as you do not allow it to interfere with your job in providing care for your passing patient or the other patients. I am a New Grad too and do not work the ED but I assume as time goes on you will learn how to adjust your priorities and adapt quickly, thus when you cannot cry you won't and when you have time to cry (away from working with patients) that is when you will do so... Sadly, in order to get to that point you will need more exposure.

BTW, congrats on landing a job as a New Grad on a Level 1 Trauma ED!!! That is my dream too.... I have to wait two years and leave my current hospital but I will get there too!

If you curl up in a sobbing ball in the corner? Maybe not so good. If you well up and a few tears spill over, no problem. We're human. There is nothing more heart-wrenching than seeing a family member keening over their loved one who has passed, or seeing a patient who is nearly in pieces. Heck, I'm like a Vulcan most of the time -- all logic, not so much emotion! -- and even that makes me well up. Give yourself some time -- you'll get to a point where you ease your suffering by helping others ease theirs.

Over time, you'll find yourself developing emotional "walls." These are there to protect you from the pain you see all around you and help you survive. It's a balancing act, though - build the walls too high and you won't hurt. Then again, you won't feel (or even care for your patients) either. Build the walls too short & you'll be hurt over each & every thing you see.

Balance. I ran into this over the years of running squad duty as a paramedic. You rapidly go from being a wide eyed "innocent" to being somewhat jaded. Otherwise, it's difficult to survive. There will always be some patients that can break right through your walls. These may be small kids who remind you of your own children, or someone your own age who died in a very unpleasant manner - right before your very own eyes. It's at times like these when you'll need somebody to talk to. It could be a spouse, or a trusted coworker.

It's a good thing to "feel", but the depth of that "feeling" has to be controlled so you can still care for your patients without incurring too much personal psychological pain/damage yourself.

You will see things in one day that most people don't see during their time on this planet.

This will also include some pretty horrific and scary and sad stuff. Is it okay to cry... oh for sure, the more you get used to your environment the less it might affect you, and that's okay too. You might have a similar experience that you could relate; my 25+ year experience grizzled veteran preceptor in the ER never did blink an eye in trauma, but he could be there emotionally for the patients, he'd just seen it a lot before. But he told me how hard the first year was.

My background lies primarily in EMS, as I've been doing it since I've been 16 years old. As someone else said you tend to build up walls to keep all the horrible **** you see out. I've had my friends die in my arms, pulled people from burning cars, I've seen most things that would warp any one else's mind. It gets to you at times, but you just have to keep a cool head. In EMS I always told myself and other people I trained that we (EMT/MEDICS) are only with these people for 20-30 min at the most, treat what is gonna kill them and keep it moving, there's no time for BS. Nursing is a little different, some people become emotionally involved with patients (more so with the families sometimes) and we spend ALOT more times with patients....After many years in EMS I'm really jaded, nothing really phases me anymore and the only thing that half way gets me to run is a kid/baby in trouble or a code, otherwise everyone can wait.....The best way to deal with things is to talk about them to be honest...A good friend of mine was murdered and I was the 3rd person at the scene..i didn't even know who it was until i read her name in the paper the next day...I drank for 2 weeks straight and nearly wrapped myself around a tree multiple times....Save yourself the trouble of trying to deal with it yourself and use you coworkers for support...the longer you do ER the more you are able to deal with it..best of luck to you tho...you'll be fine...just keep on keeping on.

Yup - sounds like EMS as I grew to know it. I never had a friend die in my arms, but treated a number of my fellow department members' kids & spouses, including 1 young kid pinned in a wreck who ultimately arrested on the scene. Burning cars....I've not pulled folks out of them, but had one run many moons ago (December xx, 1995, NOT that it sticks in my mind or anything) where I was forced to turn my back & ignore a pinned, burning driver (half inside the car, half outside, still moving) of one vehicle in order to initiate care on the driver & passengers of the second vehicle. Triage sucks, but you still do what you've got to do.

yea my friend got murdered on Nov 26 2005 @0036....i guess after reciting to lawyers and a jury a jagillion times you tend to remember it and replaying it over, and over and over Magain...It's weird that even after all the things I've seen, there is still something that draws me back again....