What was the MOST ridiculous thing a patient came to the ER for?

"I just came from the shelter [adopted a dog] and they had a potbelly pig there that was just lying down and probably sick...I need some tammy flu..."

Well, that woke my husband up. Or maybe it was the bellowing guffaw that came from me that did it. "Tammy flu". Holy cow. Tammy flu. That's the best one I've heard in a while.

When I worked at the VA, we had a patient come into the ER because he said that he went to lunch and ordered a club sandwich. He said that when he got it, that it had toothpicks holding it closed. He said that he thought there were 3 total, but when he got done eating his meal, he only saw 2. He wanted an xray to see if he ate one!!! NO signs or symptoms of distress, no evidence he ate it, and doesn't really know if there were 3 to start with.

Occasionally we read on here about women (the majority of the on Medicaid) who come into the ED just to get a pregnancy test so they don't have to put up the with "inconvenience" of waiting to see their doctor or having to pay for one at the store. Usually it's been stated on here to go to the Dollar Tree or Dollar General to get a pregnancy test for a dollar and some change.

Apparently, a lot of people took the AN's advice of going to the Dollar Store to get a test, but they don't want to pay for them there either. They've become a high theft item and are now locked up behind the counter to prevent theft.

I wonder where it's written into the constitution that one has the right to life, liberty, happiness and a free pregnancy test if one should get knocked up while pursued in said rights?

pt: "I have a fever"
me: "Your temperature is normal"
pt: "My mother felt my head and thought it was warm"
pt's mother: "It was"
me: "Is anything else bothering you?"
pt: "No"
me: "OK, one of our doctors will be in shortly"

Had this conversation more times already than I ever thought possible. Only saving grace is I generally get 5's from these pts.... But what a waste of time.

I just worked with OB/GYN patients in the ER, but we saw some pretty interesting stuff.

-Box cutters in the vagina - A prisoner knew she was going to be arrested, and this was her way of trying to land herself in solitary. She refused to be treated, and we had to tell the officers that nothing could be done until they came back with a court order since we weren't going to hold her down and commit battery. ..... Now I've never been to jail, but I'm pretty darn sure this isn't a risk I'd be willing to take!!!!!!

-"I have gonorrhea."
"What makes you think that?"
"It's going around my family."

-"I think I might have an STD, but it's not from having sex."
"How do you think you got it, ma'am?"
"Either my cough syrup or sharing a bed with my dog..."
"Are you having sex with your dog?"
"no"
"Then he didn't give you a sexually transmitted disease."

-A woman reportedly hid $160 of cash in a ziplock bag inside of her vagina from her boyfriend so he couldn't spend it on drugs. A few days later, she came in for severe pain. She asked the doctor if she'd get the cash back, to which he replied "nope, finders keepers!" -- We didn't find the money.

-"I think I got that tricky osmosis again."

-HIV patient, can't recall the complaint
"I only sleep with men who have HIV. Don't worry."
Dr "How do you know who has HIV and who doesn't?"
"I look into their eyes to see if they look sickly inside."

-"I just had this baby on the bus on the way to the hospital, but the nurse in labor and delivery told me I can't be there."
"Ma'am, that is a stuffed pink cat."
"No, it's the baby I just had on the bus."
"Why did you just wet your pants?"
"That must have been that baby fluid... No, actually it's just because I needed to go. I don't have to stay here, you know."
"No ma'am, you're right, you don't."
... and then she walked out (fear not, we had her picked up by the hospital police before exiting the hospital for a psych eval)

Male pt at triage window checking in with registration "I need to be seen" (as I listen from behind my desk next to her with another patient in the chair).
Clerk "whats wrong sir"
pt "I have a rash"
Clerk "where is your rash"
pt "on my bird" I start to smile, this will be fun

Call the patient in..."so I overheard you have a rash?"
pt "yeah...I got some flea and tick stuff, you know the kind in the tube...well I put it on my dog...but I guess she must have snuggled up with me last night cause I got this rash on bird now"

We often joke that our ED should be renamed 'The department of tea and sandwiches'. Our folks have such co-morbidities that they are assured of getting a bed and treatment when they are hungry and feel the need for a bed.

You won't believe this one.. a 14 y/o with a 2 liter coke bottle up his rectum. Required surgery to remove.

mom brings kid in w/fever to 104....kid vomiting from having to SWALLOW the suppository that mom gave him.........

same vein........different mom shoving suppositories up the kid's arse WITHOUT REMOVING THE FOIL!!!!!!

can't make this sh*t up!