Discharge orders you'd LIKE to write!!!

Specialties Emergency

Published

Hey, this quote from MLOS was in the middle of another thread:

"Maybe this is better suited to an ER thread, but here's a brief list of discharge instructions I would love to give some days:

1) ATVs & ETOH are bad.

2) Stop drinking a fifth of liquor each day - it's bad for you.

3) If you insist on OD-ing on your Klonopin, just take them all, DO NOT crush them & shoot them up w/your heroin.

4) If you go looking for a fight in a bar, you WILL find one.

:smackingf I could go on and on ..."

I think this is a great idea for a thread! I'd love to hear the responses from our ER nurses!!! :)

Getting drunk is stupid.

Crossing high speed interstate highways on foot while drinking is stupid.

We cannot cure stupidity.

Cars traveling at high speeds will.

"We cannot cure stupidity"

That's a good one :roll :roll :roll :roll :roll

I had a doc write d/c orders for a prisoner who was trying some malignering to get out of his sentencing date:

Go to jail. Go directly to jail.

That was a very hard thing to not burst out laughing while I was giving the instructions. The cops loved it, too.

Our docs always write things like:

Stop taking street drugs or you'll end up back here. I always want to add: and we don't want you here.

~Kat

For my cocaine addicted pt who got bit by a cocaine dealer's dog when she was trying to purchase cocaine:

1. Don't Buy Cocaine

2. If you insist on buying cocaine don't buy from a dealer with a large dog.

3. Make sure you have money to pay the cocaine dealer so he doesn't tell his dog to attack you.

4. If you have worsening s/s please return to a DIFFERENT hospital

Then it's just hilarous!!! :rotfl:

"Rip off this man's testicles slowly with dull instruments. Failing that, bring him to me."

Although I totally agree with TennNurse's thoughts, I still think I'll add her to my "do not ever "PO" list :lol2: :lol2:

Specializes in Case Management, Home Health, UM.

RX: Please take the $1800 check you are drawing every month and rent yourself a house or an apartment instead of buying drugs with it...and STAY the %$@!! out of our hospital. Please?!:madface:

Specializes in Emergency.

Dx: Viral syndrome

1. A cold does not constitute an emegency at 4am.

2. Children get sick, throwing up one time is not an emergency.

Dx: Pneumonia

The reason your child has pneumonia is because you smoke in the house, that is the only reason, it is completely your fault, and you are a horrible parent.

Dx: nothing is wrong with you.

-- It's called a period, it happens oh say, once a month or so, that would explain the cramping and bleeding that happens, oh say, every month.

-- Go home and take a sh** to relive pain, stop eating Mcdonalds.

--Here is a prescription for common sense, it can be filled at the 24 hour pharmacy up the street, and no, we don't have free samples, but you can have it added to your ED bill if you wait for the hospitals pharmacy to open at 8am, that way my taxes can pay for your entire bill.

ehh hee hee, too much fun....:roll

Specializes in ER!.

Although I totally agree with TennNurse's thoughts, I still think I'll add her to my "do not ever "PO" list :lol2: :lol2:

Why, thank you, Tory! :chuckle

How about:

Stopping have sex with high risk/ex IV drug users with a hx of multiple partners.

If you are going to do above-then use a condom.

Find out the name of your partner, before having intercourse with them.

(This is for a patient, who frequently comes in and requests the Morning After pill, due to her "activity.

It's not really discharge insructions, but I got in trouble the other day for telling a drunk patient with no other problems to stop taking the O2 sat probe off of his finger because I was tired of charging them out and paying for them. What's up with that?

Here are some that I would like to write from the animal side of things.

Just because the OTC says it's safe for human use does not mean that it's safe for your dog, cat, ferret, bird.etc. I don't care that you only gave half of the pediactric dose.

Don't let your dog ride unrestrained in to back of the pick up if you cannot pay the bill to have the leg plated because he "fell" out while you were driving home from the bar.

What part of don't let your dog chew the wrap don't you understand?

As you walk by the tattoo parlor on your way home, stop by and have "STUPID" tattooed on your forehead. This way we will be warned when you bring your pet back because you thought that your suture job would be cheaper than the vet's. If you are going to suture a wound, have the common sense to clip and clean it first. Six inch festering wounds at 5:45PM on Friday makes for a moody staff and Dr.

Fuzzy, CVT

Specializes in 6 years of ER fun, med/surg, blah, blah.

Here's d/c instructions written by our night ED Doc, for a patient who had been dumped at the door by his "friends", unconscious, & found out later he as drunk & high, surprise, ha :

"Try not to have another near death experience with drugs & alcohol"

Here are a few I'd like to write:

The wall (or other hard surface) always wins. Tell all your friends. (for the boxer's fx crowd)

Hamburger that "smells funny" will not be rendered safe by lots of ketchup.

"Drinking two beers" combined with "minding your own business" have been scientifically proven to result in physical violence every time. Try to avoid this common mistake.

Sexual intercourse without protection in the form of condom can, and frequently does, result in: pregnancy and/or sexually transmitted diseases. Tell all your friends. And use a condom, for all our sakes.

Soap and water are your friends. Meet with them daily in an unhurried and intimate manner.

Always remember: Lack of foresight and planning on your part do not constitute an emergency on our part.

Hope you enjoy,

Joe

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