Best ER Nurse quotes

Hi, I'm your nurse! What stupid ******* thing did you do?

LOL ... had a pt's finger vs. paper shredder -- I said in my best Stewie from Family Guy voice, "Now what did we learn?"

Anything can be a suppository if enough force is applied.

Oddly enough, at the ED I work at, I have not seen anyone come in for something that they shoved up their you-know-where.

You're kidding, a place like that exists? Three times I had a guy come into Triage with a can of shaving cream in the rectum - twice in NYC and once in Vegas. Also in Vegas, I had a guy with an actual potato in his butt, that was the night TRAUMA: LIFE IN THE ER followed me around my shift filming this guy's story. Unfortunately, only the x-ray of said potato ended up getting any screen time, Discovery IS a family channel. I still see Dr. Greenlee standing in front of the x-ray, arms crossed in a bored voice "Yeah, we get all kinds of people in with foreign bodies, vegetative matter." What an understatement!

Ah, sometimes I actually miss the ER...

My favourite thing about foreign objects is the stories - dude, just say "I decided to shove this [insert name of inserted object here] up there, even though I could buy a butt plug with a flange to stop it getting lost." Really, that's way less ridiculous than "so I decided to clear out the guttering and because it was such a lovely day I decided to take off my clothes. I slipped off the ladder and fell, yes, miracuously fell from roof height without sustaining so much as a bruise, but landed on the bunch of carrots I'd just pulled out of the vegie patch and that's how it got there. Really? It's peeled and carved into an interesting shape? Hmm, that's odd." Because that story will be remembered 18 years later, by me and everyone I've told the story too.

Patient comes in to triage being carried by his buddy shouting "WE NEED HELP!!" Well, immediately I see ABC's are ok, so I bring him in and he says he was "sitting there minding his own business and some guy comes up and stabs him in the leg." He is writhing, cussing, crying, you name it. There is some blood on his pants, so I cut his pants leg up to the wound site and there is a very superficial, barely 1 cm lac with a single drop of blood on it. So with a straight face I look at him and say...
"Sir, what you have here is a boo-boo. Have a seat in the lobby."

Had a guy with vibrator stuck in rectum - sedated to remove with some forceps - wanted to die laughing when my ER doc hit the "on" button in there with the forceps and started the thing vibrating. Lots of cussing ensued.

Same ER doc writes on his charts as a "plan" for drunks - Metabolize to Freedon....

Admitting doc jokingly told one of our new grads that someone's admitting diagnosis was Acute on Chronic Poor Protoplasm Syndrome - I got a copy of the orders 20 minutes later for the bed request and she actually wrote that! He was an ETOH intox...