Open Mouth-Insert Foot!

Okay I got a million of these!

I was giving a new resident a bed bath the other day (she's very heavy set) and when I got to her chest I blurted out "oh you've had a mastectomy" because I only saw one intact breast. She looked at my strange for a minute and lifted her arm. Her breast was so big and it had sagged so much it was just under her arm!!! I could have crawled under a rock and died I was so embarassed.


Another time I got floated to a hall I hadn't worked on in a while. I remebered a resident who had had one leg amputated and went to help another aide change him. Well about 5 minutes into it, I looked down and realized he had no legs and before I could stop myself i said "OMG, I just noticed you had your other leg amputated". That was the first time I heard an 80 year old man say "DUH"

As a reply to a family member inquiring about how their father was doing today, I felt the need to say "OH he's dead to the world". WHY WHY WHY do I do these things! It took me a few minutes to calm this woman down enough to explain that he was asleep.


Once a family member asked me what MRSA was. I proceded to tell them it was a staph infection resistant to drugs caused by micro orgasms!! She didn't miss a beat and replied "I didn't know having orgasms could cause someone to get so sick. I'll have to tell my husband we're lucky to have survived the honeymoon."


Kill me now you guys! I have got to stop saying these things! Please share your stories so I feel better about my diaherra of the mouth!